What’s Behind the Brand Names? (Natural Skin Care Preservatives, Part 2)

Welcome to Part 2 of my Guide to Natural Skin Care Preservatives! In Part 1 I discussed the fact that preservatives are necessary in cosmetics and personal care products, especially store-bought products that have a shelf life of 2-3 years. These are controversial ingredients, with some studies opening up the possibility that the most commonly used preservatives, parabens, may be linked to breast cancer in women.

As the field widens and more and more companies are capitalizing on consumer demand for truly natural skin care products, I asked myself:

What do the big natural products brands use to preserve their beauty products?

While there’s no way to be completely sure of the answer to this question, as the information is of course an “insider” thing, it’s possible to make some informed guesses based on ingredient lists. I surveyed some major brands and some relatively unknown brands to get a comparison of the preservatives commonly used.

In choosing cosmetics products to compare, I focused on skin lotions. These typically involve the use of water, which, as I discussed in my post on water in cosmetics products, necessitates the use of preservatives. To investigate the safety of these products, I used the Skin Deep Cosmetics Safety Database, alongside a little good old fashioned search engine magic.

Terressentials

Terressentials is a fairly radical company carrying USDA certified organic body care products. I discovered them through the Organic Consumers Association. Terressentials’ website is extremely informative, with exhaustive lists on how to identify synthetic ingredients in personal care products. An example of their steadfast adherance to natural products? They do not produce a sunscreen at all, and instead recommend adequate coverage and avoidance of the sun during its peak hours. They feel that even zinc and titanium oxide have too high a potential to produce free radicals when exposed to the sun!

Product Examined: Terressentials Organic Fragrance-free Silken Velvet Body Lotion, USDA Organic, Price $22.50 / 8 oz.

Skin Deep Potential Hazard Score: 1/10 (Complete Ingredient List here)

Possible Preservative Ingredients: None

This is purely informed guessing on my part (I am not a cosmetics professional or health professional). It appears that Terressentials has succeeded in avoiding the use of preservatives altogether in their product by replacing the use of water with the use of aloe vera juice, the first ingredient in their lotion. Aloe vera is known as a “self-preserving” substance (alongside things like honey, vinegar, etc.). Its unique properties resist microbials while still retaining a large amount of water (suspended in the aloe).

Badger

Badger’s claim: “We never use chemicals, preservatives, synthetics, GMO’s or any of the other bad stuff that you read so much about.” A few of their lip care products are certified USDA Organic. I actually discovered the Badger company through the Skin Deep Cosmetics Safety Database, noting that their sunscreen balm was one of the lowest hazards available. Since then I’ve discovered that my brother is actually ga-ga over their balms.

Balms typically do not require the use of an anti-microbial preservative as they are a nearly solid form of oils and oil butters without water. I was curious to see whether they also carried a body lotion, and discovered their “body butter” which comes in a container similar to those typically used to dispense creams or lotions.

Product Examined: Badger Refreshingly Better Cocoa Vanilla Body Butter, Price $10.00 / 7 oz.

Skin Deep Potential Hazard Score: Unlisted (Complete Ingredient List here)

Possible Preservative Ingredients: None

This is purely informed guessing on my part (I am not a cosmetics professional or health professional), but I note no use of preservatives in Badger’s product. Although Badger’s body butter appears to be marketed as an alternative for those who want something in between a solid balm and a liquid oil, Badger uses no water or aqueous substance in their butter, unlike lotions and creams which normally do contain water. By avoiding water altogether, the Badger company succeeds in meeting their claim to use no preservatives in their skin and body care products.

Green Aroma

Green Aroma is a small handmade soap and lotion company out of Australia. I’ve included them as an example of what you may find through companies, typically individuals, that make and sell handmade products through websites or farmers’ markets. Even a handmade product made with largely organic ingredients may contain synthetic preservatives, so (depending upon your personal preference) investigation is still necessary.

Product Examined: Green Aroma Day Lotion, Price approx. $19 / approx. 1.69 fl. oz.

Skin Deep Potential Hazard Score: Unlisted (Complete Ingredient List here)

Possible Preservative Ingredients: Essential oils of peppermint, rosemary and lavender

This is purely informed guessing on my part (I am not a cosmetics professional or health professional), but observing the list of ingredients I note no parabens or synthetic preservatives. Green Aroma appears to be relying on a combination of essential oils to preserve their product, coupled with the use of an orange hydrosol instead of plain water, and a container that minimizes airborne contamination does not allow insertion of fingers into the product. The use of essential oils as preservatives is considered by many a risky endeavor, however it is the most natural of possibilities. Some persons may be sensitive to essential oils at the concentrations required for preservative effect. Orange hydrosol does introduce water into a product and therefore necessitates the use of preservatives for protection against microbials. It lowers the pH of a product compared to water, thus enhancing the efficacy of preservatives, but is not a preservative in and of itself.

When using a beauty product with no broad spectrum synthetic preservatives, it is often the case that the shelf life is lowered to the range of 2-6 months, versus the 2-3 years typical of preservatives such as parabens. I found no reference to shelf life on the Green Aroma site. In this case, a suggestion may be to inquire as to shelf life, or the use of undisclosed additional preservative additives.

Miessence

Miessence is an Australian company also listed on the site of the Organic Consumer Association. As an international company, their cosmetics products may carry Australian, US, and European Organic certifications.

Product Examined: Miessence Nourishing Hand Cream, Australian Certified Organic, Price approx. $29 / 1.35 fl. oz.

Skin Deep Potential Hazard Score: 2/10 (Complete Ingredient list here)

Possible Preservative Ingredients: Ethanol (alcohol)

This is purely informed guessing on my part (I am not a cosmetics professional or health professional), but observing the list of ingredients I note no parabens or synthetic preservatives. Miessence’s hand cream also has aloe vera juice as its primary ingredient, similar to Terressential’s lotion. However, water is its third ingredient, and organic ethanol its fourth. Alcohol is well known as an effective preservative and is inhospitable to micro-organisms. According to the Skin Deep database, ethanol’s hazard score is 5/10 as a possible carcinogen with potential developmental and/or reproductive toxicity.

Ethanol is also a solvent which may be irritating and can enhance penetration of the skin through to the bloodstream, posing a problem if other harmful ingredients are contained in the product. Other potentially problematic ingredients in Miessence’s cream are its use of lecithin listed with a hazard of 3/10 with concerns over possible contamination by nitrosamines. Miessence’s lecithin is plant-derived from non-GMO soybean oil. Lecithin “can form carcinogenic nitrosamine compounds, on the skin or in the body after absorption, if mixed with amines.” It is possible that both ethanol and lecithin are actually less harmful in Miessence’s products due to their combination with low risk natural ingredients.

Dr. Bronner’s / Sun Dog

Dr. Bronner’s is a well-known brand in pure, all-natural castile soaps based on organic olive oil. They also now manufacture a line of personal care products, many of which are actually USDA Certified Organic.

Product Examined: Dr. Bronner’s Lavender Coconut Organic Lotion, USDA Organic, Price $9.99 / 8 oz.

Skin Deep Potential Hazard Score: 2/10 (Complete Ingredient list here)

Possible Preservative Ingredients: Ethanol (alcohol)

This is purely informed guessing on my part (I am not a cosmetics professional or health professional), but observing the list of ingredients I note no parabens or synthetic preservatives. However, the product does contain water as the first ingredient, and organic ethanol as the fourth ingredient. Alcohol is well known as an effective preservative and is inhospitable to micro-organisms. According to the Skin Deep database, ethanol’s hazard score is 5/10 as a possible carcinogen with potential developmental and/or reproductive toxicity.

Ethanol is also a solvent which may be irritating and can enhance penetration of the skin through to the bloodstream, posing a problem if other harmful ingredients are contained in the product. Other ingredients in the Dr. Bronner’s lotion are a level 2/10 risk or lower. It is possible that ethanol is actually less harmful in Dr. Bronner’s products due to its combination with low risk natural ingredients.

Aubrey Organics

The Organic Consumer Association has a bit of a beef with Aubrey. They state: “We do not support the use of the word “Organic” in this company’s name, as only a few of the products are USDA Organic. Look for the USDA seal.” By contrast, they mention the company Organic Essence whose entire product line is certified USDA Organic. Previously, I emailed Aubrey for comment on the controversy surrounding their use of grapefruit seed extract (which they have renamed “citrus seed extract”), to which I received no reply.

Product Examined: Aubrey Evening Primrose Soothing Hand & Body Lotion, Price $13.95 / 8 oz.

Skin Deep Potential Hazard Score: 2/10 (Complete Ingredient list here)

Possible Preservative Ingredients: Grapefruit seed extract

I detailed the controversy regarding grapefruit seed extract in my earlier post on the safety of GSE as a preservative, citing studies done that revealed that most commercial GSE in fact contains synthetic preservatives, possibly a result of the intense chemical processes and agents (including ammonium) involved in the manufacture of grapefruit seed extract. Skin Deep refers to the contamination concerns of GSE including benzethonium chloride, methylparaben, and triclosan. Despite the controversy regarding GSE being several years old now, I am unable to locate anything on Aubrey’s site refuting the presence of these ingredients in their citrus seed extract.

Burt’s Bees

Burt’s Bees is available these days at many super-markets and big box stores. I was definitely curious to see how they fared in the Skin Deep Cosmetic Safety Database. Their brand, as a whole, had products that ranked up to a 6/10 on the Skin Deep hazard score system, compared with a brand such as Badger whose max hazard score was 2/10. Their creams, lotions, and shampoos appeared to have the larger hazard scores, whereas their deodorant, toothpaste, eyeliner, and lip products seemed to tend toward low hazard scores.

Product Examined: Burt’s Bees Healthy Healing Carrot Nutritive Body Lotion, Price $9.00 / 8 oz.

Skin Deep Potential Hazard Score: 4/10 (Complete Ingredient list here)

Possible Preservative Ingredients: Glucose oxidase (honey enzyme), lactoperoxidase (milk enzyme), sodium borate (borax)

This is purely informed guessing on my part (I am not a cosmetics professional or health professional), but observing the list of ingredients it appears that Burt’s Bees’ lotion is paraben-free and preserved by synthetically derived proteins from milk and honey, plus the natural toxin borax, a mineral powder. Borax is rated a hazard score of 4/10 in the Skin Deep database. Other uses for borax are as a laundry booster and an insect pesticide. According to Wikipedia it is “not accutely toxic” however “simple exposure can cause respiratory and skin irritation.”

Despite the Skin Deep rating, Borax is commonly recommended as a safe, generations-old household cleaner. My understanding is that the chemically similar Boric Acid is regularly used as a pesticide in schools, presenting the safest alternative in environments where children are present.

California Baby

I’ve always wondered about California Baby’s marketing for babies and adults with sensitive skin, when so many of their skin care products contain a healthy dose of essential oils and fragrances, which in general are known to be potentially irritating. When trying California Baby to help heal my son’s eczema, he refused to use it, saying that it “burned his skin”. On the other hand, there are those who say it works wonders. California Baby’s hazard scores in the Skin Deep Cosmetic Safety Database range from 0 to 5/10.

This is purely informed guessing on my part (I am not a cosmetics professional or health professional), but like Burt’s Bees, their ingredients have more of a feel of being derived from natural sources, as opposed to using simple natural oils themselves. Their website does not disclose ingredients, so my comments are based on Skin Deep’s ingredient listing.

Product Examined: California Baby Calming Everyday Lotion, Price $10.00 / 6.5 oz.

Skin Deep Potential Hazard Score: 2/10 (Complete Ingredient List here)

Possible Preservative Ingredients: Polyaminopropyl biguanide

The following is noted in the California Baby ingredient list: “polyaminopropyl biguanide (extremely mild antimicrobial; no formaldehyde or formaldehyde donors, non-solvent and non-genotoxic).” Polyaminopropyl biguanide appears to be a synthetic preservative commonly used in contact lens solution, as such several studies have tested its safety on humans and on rabbits (of note to vegans).

Of the three studies I encountered, only one indicated it may be “toxic to the corneal epithelium.” Sensitivity of the cornea, one would presume, is far greater than sensitivity of the skin. Its use is restricted in Japan, as such its hazard in the Skin Deep database is listed as 2/10.

Conclusion: Preservatives in Name Brand Natural Cosmetics

None of the beauty products I investigated contained parabens, clearly indicating that major brands are attempting to creatively steer away from their use due to public awareness of their potential as carcinogens.

I have to say that given the possibilities, the Terressentials line intrigues me and impresses me the most, but is frankly out of my price range! My personal leanings from among the choices above would probably be toward the Badger line of products. The idea of avoiding preservatives altogether just seems smart. And as I’ve experienced, oils can be extremely effective in moisturizing especially when applied after a shower. They serve to protect the moisture already absorbed by the skin, and have helped me through many a dry winter. But then I’m a sucker for keeping it simple!

Whatever your personal choices, it’s encouraging to see companies going so far to provide safer and more natural skin care products, with a variety of options for choosing safe preservatives, or none at all.

Support Small Business Handmades

I had hoped to include a few more products by small, family-based businesses in this list, but unfortunately these hand-made websites are less standardized in disclosing their list of ingredients. Many that I encountered appeared to use either parabens or GSE extract in their formulations. Some companies refer to their skin care products as “lotion bars” or “lotion sticks” when they appear to be balms or salves.

To enjoy the benefits of knowing the person who provides your skin care, I’d suggest doing a search for:

• handmade (”preservative-free” OR “no preservatives”) (body care OR cosmetics OR skin care OR beauty)

Add your location to the search (shop local!) and email the companies you find regarding their list of ingredients and their shelf life. To ensure safety, you may want to ask how their products were tested for anti-microbial resistance, and whether they were “challenge tested.” Many small business owners are more than happy to discuss with pride the ingredients they have selected. A couple of businesses I’ve found worth investigating are Kanani Essentials of California and Handmade Naturals in the UK.

And thus we come to the end of my little journey into the ingredient lists, laboratories, and kitchens of a few of the top natural body and skin care manufacturers and a couple small fries, too.

All store-bought brands must use preservatives to maintain their products’ shelf life through warehousing and distribution. I was curious to discover just what their take on “natural preservatives” might be. I hope you’ll find this information useful as you make your personal choices among natural skin care brands!

Love,

Mama Hope

* This article was not sponsored by any of the brands shown, and contains no contextual affiliate links. If you’d like to support my efforts in providing in-depth unbiased research, please consider donating directly to my web-hosting fees. Or, if you shop at Drugstore.com, you can use the following search box when you shop to help support hippie dippie bébé! Thanks in advance!

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I just read such an inspirational post at Cafe Mama I had to quote it here. It’s an eloquent phrasing of exactly the path I’ve been on lately, and represents an excellent moment for me to revel in being “unalone” in my quest to simplify not just my life but my ego!

Where once my dreams were full of the achievements to which I could over-subscribe, I am now in search of shedding things, activities, board memberships, keeping only those that make my heart hum quietly, that give my children a richer life. I do not want to work long hours, start a restaurant, earn venture capital funding. I do not want to franchise anything.

If you’ve been following my recent posts, it’s clear that I am exploring a fascinating intersection: how do I write this blog, how do I live this life in a way that respects values, ethics, the planet? A whole world of bloggers, twitterers and friends are my navigation system. Influences seem to find me just where I need them.

Whether it’s David Wann’s Simple Prosperity ending up on my lap as a reflex purchase to help my doula-friend Jessica raise money, or research on a tangential topic leading to my belated discovery of The Continuum Concept, or a goofy mental hiccup reminding me of Reverend Billy and his Church of Stop Shopping: influences around me seem to join forces to my aid.

As David Byrne puts it, we all reach a magical moment in time when we ask ourselves, “Well, how did I get here?” followed by a questioning of all that is around us. Do the objects, people, activities in your life tell the story of who you are? Do they fit you? It’s all too easy to ride the roller-coaster of life, under the heady influence of our culture’s worship of a “success” that spells itself out in dollar signs, brand names and cryptic acronyms, heading to some foggy destination that we vaguely imagine resembles the “Me” we want to be, and then suddenly realize that we’re not so sure that this edifice we’re building is really all that accurate.

I first encountered this conundrum when I wasn’t yet twenty. Having decided, at the peak of collegiate success, to take a breather and reconsider my career choice, I had returned home to just work for a semester. On one evening I’ll never forget I found myself tacking onto the wall every award, every trophy, medal, plaque or pin that I had racked up in my years as a “good girl” straight A student and extra-curricular over-achiever. In my search to find myself, to believe in myself, I thought, surely I would see myself there. Surely I would see that I was worthwhile, that I had something to contribute. But as I stood there staring, looking for something, pride turned to dismay. There was no “me” on that wall. Only letters and numbers, however surrounded by gold and silver.

Since then I’ve continued to struggle, and envied those whose paths seemed to head straight as an arrow to some corner of the world that seemed to match them perfectly. Still on my path, I am thankful these days to find a miraculous confluence: the words of those who share my values bubbling to the top and inspiring me, guiding me, even without realizing it.

In the film, “What Would Jesus Buy?” Bill McKibben, noted environmental author, states:

In a hundred years Americans will find another way to have fun besides shopping. My worry is that we won’t have time to evolve these changes at the usual rate - by then we will derail the earth’s systems, especially its climate.

Bill McKibben speaks of having fun without needing to collect objects, but I’m also wondering about how to have fun without “collecting achievements”!

Being a stay-at-home mom, of course, I’m forced to beg that question, but I continue to see this decision not as a sacrifice of career but as a blessing. By devoting so much of my energy to nurturing I “turn on” a part of myself that leaves me open to think about an evolution. Similar to Bill McKibben’s hoped-for evolution in caring for our planet, turning around our drive to consume, I’m hoping to turn around my drive to achieve, into an economy that gives more generously and equally.

We can’t all have BMW’s any more than we could all be CEO’s. In the world of environmental activism we turn these things around by shopping local, revering community, giving up “stuff” for experience. In our search to find out who we really are, and live our lives accordingly, I think we have a lot to learn from that same advice.

A new green friend, Jessica at GreenMamma.org recently posted this recycled, reusable bag giveaway, and I just wanted to spread the word. Although I’m a bit behind the times with this post, if you comment on her blog by noon tomorrow, a new (upcycled) reJAVAnate bag could be yours for free!

Upcycling Plus!

I really like the sound of the reJAVAnate company. They produce their bags from discarded burlap bags used by coffee distributors, saving landfill and reducing consumption of our natural resources, a big priority for me as I discussed in my post on the Three R’s. Not only that, reJAVAnate provides employment to 140,000 developmentally disabled people.

Enter for your Free Reusable Bag

I’ve already entered the reusable bag giveaway myself. Visit Green Mamma’s blog by noon tomorrow (July 18th) to get your chance!

The greatest strength of Capitalism, according to economists, is its ability to self-correct. There is no lumbering government control mechanism dictating what should or should not be produced in a given year. It’s all determined by the people. And the people, to put it succinctly, know what they want. Those who fawn over capitalism’s genius tend to equate “know what they want” with “know what’s best.” But there’s always been a crucial piece to that equation, a “now you see it, now you don’t” kind of variable that ultimately determines the health of our entire behemoth of a mass-producing, mass-consuming society: knowledge.

Knowledge Is Power, or vice versa…

The people, with their dollars, can’t correct imbalances in what’s being produced, can’t “vote” for what’s really necessary, what’s really needed to benefit the people (as opposed to the corporations) without knowledge. Hence, the birth of advertising.

photo credit: Joan Thewlis

There’s nothing inherently wrong with advertising. It’s goal is simply to let people know whatcha’ got and then let the system work it’s magic — if they need it they will come. Unfortunately, as Noam Chomsky has pointed out, it was all too easy for the new corporate bigwigs in the 1940’s to come together and discover the key to their fortunes — it’s not “if they need it they will come” but “if they think they need it they will come.” As soon as that discovery was made, advertising moved to disempower the average American. The goal was not to appeal to their intelligences but to produce their ignorance.

Whether you believe this transformation was orchestrated or not, it’s impossible to ignore its results. Generation by generation goes by with products continually multiplying and spliting apart our ability to think or do almost anything. We’ve gone from a generation that no longer darns socks or fixes household tools to a generation that can’t even pick up sponge or a mop!

“Just Say No” to DIY

Our every activity, our every endeavor is parsed out to a unique gadget or wonder that eliminates our need to know anything about the goal and how to get there. Cleaning the shower? Here’s an automatic shower cleaner complete with automatic shower cleaner soap. Carpet? For that you’ll need a carpet cleaner with some special carpet cleaning soap, actually 3 kinds of carpet cleaning soap. Mopping the floor? Don’t overexert yourself! Just plug some batteries into this handy dandy mop with the special floor cleaning soap inside! Oh, there’s more. There’s window cleaning spray, oven cleaning, dish cleaning, dishwasher, laundry, car upholstery, house upholstery, furniture, computer, computer screen… Every application must have a different kind of soap. And we haven’t even talked about the body yet.

When I first discovered the world of homemade cleaning supplies I made a fascinating discovery: you can do all of those things with only four or five ingredients, all of them natural. It was like a door opened into another world. What did I feel? I felt powerful.

It wasn’t just about saving money, which is easy to do when you only need to buy a few inexpensive ingredients and you don’t need a whole cabinet of specialized soaps that cost an arm and a leg and get half-used before you throw them out. And it wasn’t just about saving the planet, which is easy to do when you’re using things like tea tree oil instead of bleach, or plain vinegar and water instead of whatever it is that they put in Windex (I don’t even want to think about it, but the smell tells me it can’t be good!).

It’s not just those little truths that make me feel powerful, it’s this: I know how to do it. Like generations before me, I know how to do it.

I’m reminded of my mother telling stories about my grandfather, who passed away when I was still 3 or 4. Having lived through the Depression, my grandfather didn’t buy things, he made them.

My mother tells stories of going butterfly catching with nets that he made, of a handmade glider on a stick that could be spun round and round and then deftly, with practice, be brought down to a safe landing just like a real airplane. The fort in their backyard was built from cardboard and came equipped with a counter-weighted door that would swing open with a string and then stay open until commanded shut again. These were beautiful times, times when we didn’t need corporations to get anything done, didn’t need them to have a good time.

Save the Planet by Doing It Yourself

Although it’s true that my sense of empowerment came from a pure sense of knowledge and ability, the fact remains that our over-reliance on advertised and mass-produced objects to get anything done represents more than just “learned helplessness”, it’s also destroying our planet.

Is the popularization of the green movement changing all that? To a certain degree, yes! Our information super-highway is injecting a healthy dose of “knowledge is power” into our society and jump-starting our economy into a widespread love affair with all things green. Companies like Seventh Generation have bloomed and graduated from the local health food store to membership in the world of chains and big box giants. Even still, unless we continue to educate and empower ourselves, there’s no reason we can’t be duped.

photo credit: Cookiemouse

With Walmart’s decision to join the game leading to a reduction in the stringency of organic certification (and thus the permission of greater use of pesticides and synthetics while still using the label “organic”) it’s clear that we can’t rely on the big guys to give us true green products just because we ask for them. If they can get away with it, they’ll bend the rules without telling us.

The same goes for skin care products and cosmetics. The Organic Consumer Association’s current push to regulate organic claims on cosmetics stems from the fact that any company can take a product containing mainstream ingredients (synthetic foaming agents, preservatives, etc.), add a few organic herbs, and then label it “organic.” You simply cannot walk into your favorite health food store, buy something labeled “organic” and go home thinking you’ve gone all-natural and sustainable.

So what’s there to do? You can learn the lingo on the labels of course. You can dissect those chemical formulas to avoid a laurel sulfate or a paraben, but say yes to glycerin (a simple vegetable sugar) and tocopherol (Vitamin E).

Or you can do something else: you can make it yourself.

By making our own household and bath products we ensure that everything that goes into them is non-toxic and natural. We reduce waste by only making what we need. And we empower ourselves to capitalize on the joy in doing versus the joy in buying.

HurricaneCandice speaks of the DIY movement in her Eco Warrior blog:

One of the things I love so much about the Sustainability movement is the sense of empowerment. It’s such a subversive act, to deny corporations and “the norm” and choose to do something on your own, with your own hands and know-how. One of my good friends was telling me that her craft store was booming these days, that people are starving for engagement. People are more and more interested in hands-on, DIY stuff because it means they get to be closer to nature, closer to their families; doing things out of love and dedication instead of feeling forced.

DIY empowerment is alive and well, whether it’s fiber artists making and sharing gorgeous one-of-a-kinds, woodworkers keeping ancient craftsmanship alive, or hackers twisting electronics to their own lifestyle.

While completing my recent research into natural preservatives and methods for skin care products (Part 2 of my Guide to Natural Skin Care Preservatives coming soon!), I’ve been fully enjoying my new hobby, with the awareness that I’m joining a movement, empowering myself, and mothering the earth, all at the same time. David Wann says it well in his Simple Prosperity: Finding Real Wealth in a Sustainable Lifestyle, with words that inspire me:

I began to notice that people whose lifestyle didn’t center on money were often healthier and more interesting… They were passionate about doing active, celebratory things like playing music, dancing, playing chess or bridge, embroidering, fly fishing, cooking delicious meals, studying history, gardening, and staying current with political issues. TV wasn’t a central part of their lives; they were less distracted by commercial hype and less detoured by all the products. What they earned seemed less important than what they learned. I watched how they focused directly on the tasks at hand and accomplished them with finesse and artistry. I was fascinated that in many cases, the ordinary American Dream-life was much more expensive than the extraordinary lives of these unique, self-creating people who lived their lives rather than trying to buy them. They had real wealth, or you might say, the right stuff.

What about you? Do you find those moments when you take the time to “do it yourself” are worth it?

I’m getting ready to post more homemade recipes, too, so let me know what you need or suggest a few of your own!

Sharing Knowledge is Sharing Power!

Mama Hope

It’s my birthday! If you’ve been following my Twitter feeds, you might know that I’ve been having a hard time lately, so today is a great day to turn things around and turn my eye toward a new horizon. So far, I’m feeling better, and although there’s much foundation to lay, I think I’ve sorted out some of the answers to the heavy questions that have been troubling me lately.

The Big Questions

Essentially, I have been caught up questioning my goals for this blog, and my larger goals in terms of work. With Baby Del at six months, I’ve been asking myself more and more if it’s time to try to move more actively toward part-time work-at-home activity. At the same time, my goal for years has been to align my livelihood with my values, so deeper questions must be addressed every time I take up the issue of work.

The whole thing has left me in a tizzy. Of course, I’m grateful to have this as the worst of my problems. Having the luxury, however temporarily, of debating what type of work I’d like to do and when I’d like to take it up (post-baby) is something that so many mothers do not have. Although I do make some sacrifices for this luxury, my good fortune and my debt to others does not go overlooked.

Yet this good fortune also gives me a great responsibility to take the question up seriously. Given my philosophies toward attachment parenting and homeschooling, should I even be considering part-time work if I can possibly dedicate this time to my children? Given my goals of embracing voluntary simplicity and reducing attachments, how can I make a living in a consumer-driven society in a way that does not promote excess? Although my blog is a great way to be a voice for simple living and natural parenting, do I really have the time to spare for it, or does it reduce my ability to effectively parent and be there for my family? And finally, given our difficult financial situation at the moment, is it time to relax my emphasis on values and simply try to make some cash in the most straightforward way possible?

These are the inner workings of the Mama Hope noggin. Call it my Libra moon, call it my “NF” personality type, or just say I think too much for my own good, but every move I make tends to be accompanied by a great deal of deliberating, reading, and excruciatingly long conversations that my husband and my mother thankfully abide.

Have I answered these questions?

Yes and no (of course).

One thing that I have answered definitively is that our financial situation is not yet in such dire straits that I need to fill my time with too many things just yet. As my husband put it, “Del’s not going to be a baby for too much longer. Don’t get so caught up that you can’t enjoy him.” Plus we’re getting ready to start a new year homeschooling with Stae and there’s much to be done! I’ve made the mistake in the past of balancing parenting, work, and values with my three arms that I don’t have, and ended up so much the worse in the health department.

But I’ve also made the recognition that things grow with time, like ideas or memes. My little business ideas blossom like Fibonacci spirals shooting out of my head, riding with rhythm of my words, bouncing off of the walls of our space and reverberating through the net as I type, come back to me, grow. In a way by putting off launching a new business I am giving them time to grow and mature, to ensure that they fit, give them iterations that will clarify their tone. When I do make a move, my hope is that this time it will be a solid one, it will be a keeper. In the meantime, I am gathering knowledge, connections with the world, and an assurance that this is who I am.

So, in answer to one question: no business launch for now or the foreseeable future. Even as I type this a second channel opens up in my mind’s dialogue, greedily coveting the extra time that will be freed up just to read and digest! Oh, reading, reading from real paper books with the baby on the lap or lying nearby and the blue sky above us! You are one of my joys and I’ve been neglecting you lately in favor of the flits of frenzied page-flipping for quick answers. Being a parent, I’ll probably not for awhile digest a non-fiction tome from cover to cover, but just to be able to read for readings sake will be a welcome old friend.

Which brings me to the blog. It has been pointed out to me both that my posts tend to be very thorough and time-consuming. I have also been asked, will I try to turn this into a for-profit blog? Those pesky ethics strike again, and make this another difficult question. How much of an oxymoron is a profitable blog on voluntary simplicity? I think I shall not be getting rich too quick. (If you’re not familiar with the practice of making money blogging, try these links.)

It seems that for now, my primary goal should be letting my blog be the voice of my daily quest to bring my life in line with my values: natural parenting, voluntary simplicity, and green living. Cluttering it up with an emphasis on profit simply dilutes my ability to be where I am now with my goals. I’ll likely throw in a bit of advertising where it seems relevant, but it looks like my primary goal will be to continue zeroing in on a mission for the blog that aligns with my daily adventures, while also keeping in mind that my time with my kids is now, and no blog post can come before that.

Birthday Gratitude

As I ponder all these questions, I must take a moment, of course, for gratitude. Gratitude on my birthday. Of course I’m grateful for so many things, my family and my extended family of relatives and friends being primary; you know who you are, and thank you for your support in keeping me strong!

What also deserves a tip of the hat are the creative inspirations in my life that have helped build who I am in the past and continue to direct my attention. Having watched Be Kind Rewind last night, with Jack Black, Mos Def and Danny Glover, closest in my thoughts are all the folks from the Doomefishe Theater Company, now Dome Theater, of Williamsburg, Brooklyn. How absolutely sublime were those homemade productions in basements and warehouses! How sad am I to be miles away from that family! But your work and your creative genius (do you have ringing in your ears all my far away friends?) stays with me and helped shift my reality from an appreciation of the grand to a love affair with the small and homespun. Thank you for those years!

Also in my thoughts are my new encounters with virtual communities of mamas. Posts like This Community, This Family from To Think is to Create, and MomGrind’s post on online friendships inspire me to continue exploring the online community. And finally, so inspiring have been those of you who have taken the time to comment here and get to know me through Twitter. Thank you Angela and Laura, for your continual positive energy and contagious enthusiasm. Thank you Todd Tyrtle for your thought-provoking questioning. Thank you Kari, for your conscientiousness in asking and answering. Thanks to all of my new real life friends through our Meetup attachment parenting group, for your knowledge, your comments here, and your camaraderie. And thanks to those of you I haven’t mentioned, but I am so glad to be getting to know!

Birthday Wishes

So there’s my birthday gratitude, here are my birthday wishes:

Please let me know what you’ve enjoyed about the blog and what you’d like to see more of.

Keep commenting as your comments really do bring me community and spur my efforts (thank you!).

I do need to build readership, so whenever you have a chance and see something you like, please let others know or vote for me by clicking on a Digg or delicious link (at the end of the posts, Kirtsy coming soon), or shooting me a StumbleUpon thumbs up. I’m just one voice but by adding mine to the chorus singing for our natural ways, I can be one vote for a new personal wealth in simple, sustainable living. Vote for me and you can too! (Wink!)

Thank you!

Mama Hope

For a move out of town and state to state, you’d hope you could rely on your moving company. But a fellow blogger ran into trouble when her moving truck rental just didn’t show up on the day of her move! It’s a terrible story, especially with all she’s been through lately!

Moving Truck Rental: Reliable?

The story of her moving day may yet resolve, Katja of Skimbaco.com is still awaiting the news from Ultimate Van Lines moving company. Will they provide a truck, or not? And like a responsible consumer she’s hoping all will resolve itself.  But from my understanding, she’s actually waiting at this moment for her moving truck, three days before she needs to be at her new location.

To top it all off, she was just recently released from the hospital after a terrible ordeal. Not exactly the present you hope for as you’re attempting recovery.

Verdict on Ultimate Van Lines Moving Company

To hear the rest of the story, you’ll have to check Katja’s blog post on her Ultimate Van Lines Moving Experience. Her goal in posting was both to spread the word about the moving truck company, and to help others who are preparing for a cross country move. Good luck, Kaja with your move! I hope Ultimate Van Lines comes through with their truck!

It’s time to get caught up on my photos! We’ve all been feeling very tired here for the last couple of days, probably as a result of giving in to the coffee demons. (I always pay for my forays into coffee a few days after the fact, when all of my energy reserves have been completely zapped by the stimulants.)

So, as my brain has been mushified in its totality, what a great time to go through old photos and garner a few smiles! Below are photos of Baby Del’s third month, taking up from where we left off.

If you missed our last sets, and want to start from the beginning, try these posts:

• Baby Del’s Waterbirth-day (pictures)
• My Birth Story
• Newborn Baby Del (a video)
• Baby Del’s First Pictures
• Baby Del’s Second Month

Two Month Old Pictures of Baby Del

And now, without further ado:

Today we had a great experience out on the deck under the pergola. Our whole family sat outside and shared our study of How to Practice by the Dalai Lama, which turned out to be an excellent experience in teaching values to my 12-year old son.

As I posted awhile back, we recently took up the practice of teaching spirituality by doing “church at home” every other Sunday. (On other Sundays we visit our local Unitarian Universalist Church.) It’s been going quite well, although I have to admit with the heaviness of our subject matter it does require a bit of time every week for review. But what is excellent about the experience is that we are each very engaged in responding to the text, sorting out its meaning, sharing insights, and exploring our personal experiences. I study Buddhism, so our lessons come from that perspective (which I wrote about, in case you’re curious, in my post on Buddism and morality). But of course this kind of discourse can be practiced in any religious or secular context. The main point for us is talking about issues of conscientious behavior, in a dedicated learning and discussing time as a family.

Teaching Through Open Discussion

Today, as I reviewed the text before we began, I realized that I finally “got” the Dalai Lama’s description of the three ways to practice, and why they needed to be followed in a particular order. So I started off by giving my “small words” paraphrase of that section. Later on, when we unanimously agreed that we didn’t fully comprehend the logic behind one of the anecdotes offered, my husband said “Oh I think I get it,” and proceeded to explain his understanding of the concept of karma.

So it’s all very engaging and lasts for about 30 mintues to an hour. Because we try to keep it very interactive, my 12-year old son takes it all in pretty well, though I do try to be understanding and watchful for moments when he either trails off or just decides he’s run out of steam.

When we reached that time today, I asked him to tell me one point he felt he could take away and work on for the week. He was motivated by the following quote:

In difficult personal circumstances the best recourse is to try to remain as honest and sincere as possible. Otherwise, by responding harshly or selfishly, you simply make matters worse. This is especially apparent in painful family situations. You should realize that difficult present circumstances are entirely due to your own past undisciplined actions, so when you experience a difficult period, do your best to avoid behavior that will add to your burden later on. (H.H. the Dalai Lama, translated by Jeffrey Hopkins, PhD, How to Practice: The Way to a Meaningful Life)

Applying Lessons in Values to Our Daily Lives

Of course this quote had us all thinking about what we could be doing to contribute to family situations, as well as examples of people we’ve met whose life courses seemed to be altered more by decisions they made in the past than by their particular talents or potential. Although we generally have a happy marriage, I almost immediately turned to Ben and said, “OK, what am I doing wrong?”

I also took this moment to point out to Stae, my son, that I was going to remember this quote for those times when I have disagreements with Ben, and that he could do the same thing if he found himself suddenly being “lectured to,” his least favorite pastime. I promised him that I would try to do the same (and stop myself from lecturing too long, one of my weaknesses). We all have our dirty laundry, even the Dalai Lama!

by CharlesFred

It was heartening at the end of our conversation, just when I saw his attention waning, to hear my son offer up his inspiration coming back to this point, especially when I know it’s a bit hard for him to admit fault (a challenge for all of us!).

“Is there anything you’re thinking of that you learned today that stands out, that you can work on this week?” I asked.

“Um, yeah. Not responding to you, I guess. You don’t like it when you say something to me and I don’t respond. So I shouldn’t do that.”

It was great to be able to have a conversation that was not in the context of punishment, something that didn’t happen immediately after he did something wrong. My hope is that these regular discussions will both serve as a positive example of adults taking their moral and ethical values seriously, and allow my son to practice thinking about values in the context of his life. These are lessons we all need to learn! There’s also the thought, of course, that perhaps he’s just saying what I want to hear. But, hey, as someone once said, it never hurts to “Fake it till you make it!”

Although Stae is 12-years old and capable of a more mature conversation than he was 5-years ago, I strongly feel that setting aside time dedicated to teaching values, and learning them yourself, can be adapted to any age. If you’re interested in using text by the Dalai Lama for your own “church at home” but you’re not sure whether Buddhism is your thing, I highly recommend Ethics for the New Millennium, a secular text which covers ethics and morality outside of the context of any religion. I think it’s going to be our next read. So glad to have finally taken up this practice!

What about you? Have you found any good outlets for teaching values to your children? I’d love to hear about them!

Thanks!

Mama Hope

One of the central aspects of Buddhism, in my experience, is the manner in which it deals with ethics and morality in a very logical, driven manner. In that way, Buddhism serves as a great tool for me (as a gamer, a former computer programmer and all-around logic-driven gal), to help guide my goals in life in an ethical and moral direction. As I’m also writing about teaching children values through our new Sunday church at home practice, I felt it was important to take a moment to remark on my experience of Buddhist ethics.

While there are plentiful sources to consult for teachings on the fundamentals of Buddhism and The Four Noble Truths, I found one quote on personal values to be very simple and relevant to daily life. The quote is from the Dalai Lama’s How to Practice : The Way to a Meaningful Life. It is particularly useful in reminding me why I study Buddhism, and also helps inspire my own inner moral discipline and “personal mission.” If you study the quote carefully, you’ll see how its message is not unlike one of the core messages of Jesus Christ:

…Discontentment. You want more and more. This, in a sense, is real poverty–always to be hungry, hungry, hungry with no time to be satisfied. Others might not be rich, but contentment provides them with fewer worries, fewer enemies, fewer problems, and very good sleep. On more than one occasion, when I have visited very nice homes in rich communities, I have peeked inside the medicine chest in the bathroom and found some medications to provide energy for the day and others to induce sleep at night. Contentment might do both of these jobs better since it reduces anxiety during the day, paving the way for sleeping peacefully.

In the frenzy of modern life we lose sight of the real value of humanity. People become the sum total of what they produce. Human beings act like machines whose function is to make money. This is absolutely wrong. The purpose of making money is the happiness of humankind, not the other way round. Humans are not for money, money is for humans. We need enough to live, so money is necessary, but we also need to realize that if there is too much attachment to wealth, it does not help at all. As the saints of India and Tibet tell us, the wealthier one becomes, the more suffering one endures. (H.H. the Dalai Lama, translated by Jeffrey Hopkins, PhD, How to Practice)

It’s easy to see how the teachings of Buddhism appeal to the West, partly because they do relate to a universal morality that is also taught in Christianity. What Buddhism adds is a directed practice to discipline one’s mind and one’s behavior to act, live, and find peace according to that morality, and then work to help others achieve the same.

Ethical Decision Making

How does this relate to the ethics and decision making of our daily life? It’s important to see that when we talk about attachment to wealth we’re not only talking about money but about the whole concept of dissatisfaction and striving for “more.” In our driven society, we are constantly pushed to produce more, do more, “be more.” The Dalai Lama further supports this point in his Ethics for the New Millennium:

In place of the sense of community and belonging, which we find such a reassuring feature of less wealthy societies, we find a high degree of loneliness and alienation… All this is compounded by the contemporary rhetoric of growth and economic development which greatly reinforces people’s tendency toward competitiveness and envy. And with this comes the perceived need to keep up appearances–itself a major source of problems, tension, and unhappiness.

Yet the psychological and emotional suffering we find so prevalent in the West is less likely to reflect a cultural shortcoming than an underlying human tendency. Indeed, I have noticed that similar forms of inner suffering are evident outside the West. In some parts of Southeast Asia, it is observable that as prosperity has increased, traditional belief systems have begun to lose their influence over people. With this, we find a broadly similar manifestation of unease as that established in the West… Thus, in the southern, undeveloped, or “Third World” countries we find ailments broadly confined to that part of the world, such as those arising from poor sanitation. By contrast, in urban industrial societies, we see illnesses manifest in ways that are consistent with that environment. So instead of water-borne diseases, we find stress-related disease. All of this implies that there are strong reasons for supposing a link between our disproportionate emphasis on external progress and the unhappiness, the anxiety, and the lack of contentment of modern society. (H.H. the Dalai Lama, Ethics for the New Millennium)

In a way it seems counterintuitive: that by working so hard to be happier we can bring ourselves unhappiness. In daily practice this hounds me as a persistent paradox. But there are ways of beginning to observe our experiences to sort out a clear direction.

An excellent example is the book Your Money or Your Life. It’s subtitled “Transforming Your Relationship with Money and Achieving Financial Independence” and it’s essentially a guide to budgeting your life according to your real values, complete with step by step instructions on bookkeeping and money tracking. I discovered it about five years ago and it’s definitely shaped my path (these days I’m saving money while making less than I did while working on Wall Street). In the first Chapter, they use catchy little phrases to make their point, such as “Money: The Tender Trap,” and “We aren’t making a living, we’re making a dying.”

But their point really hits home when they discuss “The Fulfillment Curve,” which echoes Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Essentially, they explain that back in the reaches of prehistoric time we were programmed to hunt out more, more, more because without that drive we couldn’t survive. But there comes a point, which they call “enough,” the peak of the curve, where more stops bringing us more happiness and satisfaction, and starts bringing us less. Keeping a watchful eye for that point is what their book is all about, and I find it a good way to visualize my own ethical decisions as well. In fact, Vicki Robin also recommends my current green read, Simple Prosperity: Finding Real Wealth in a Sustainable Lifestyle.

Realistic Practice of Buddhism and Ethics

While there is much to be done in the path to enlightenment, as it were, I am currently working to keep two points in mind as I work to make decisions according to a Buddhist ethics. It’s something I’m trying to remind myself as I make decisions (even little ones) throughout the day: before I open my mouth to say something, when I find myself having an emotional response to something.

1. I try to ask myself, what do I want here? What seems to be motivating me? Once you get in the habit of listening to what you are really going for you can begin to find those moments where you can add discipline and direct yourself a bit. Is this thing that you want related to an urge for “more”? Is it something you really need to bring you true inner wealth and satisfaction, or is this just one more example of a motivation that puts you *past* that peak of the Fulfillment Curve?
2. Secondly, I try to remind myself to look for the opportunity for a more genuine happiness. While there’s not always a chance to make space in the mind for this, it helps to simply note it as a step to try to make, which then sets up the possibility for it to arise! By genuine happiness here, I’m referring to the moments when I can bring a benefit to someone *else*, however great or small. If I can turn this moment around, it truly makes my day.

Of course this second point relates to a whole world view that is both easy and difficult to comprehend. There are those who might think it’s glaringly obvious that bringing comfort to others is the best way to feel satisfied yourself, and then there are those who think its just so much hippie dippie nonsense! What I really appreciate about the book Ethics for the New Millennium, is that the Dalai Lama goes to great lengths to outline a solid, logical argument for this point. No shiny, happy magic (in fact there’s a chapter entitled “No Magic, No Mystery”) just a well-reasoned point-by-point analysis of why compassion is the big winner in life’s values. If you’re interested in giving it a roll, the crux of that argument is in his fourth chapter “Redefining the Goal.” Although the Dalai Lama is himself Buddhist and the book mirrors his values, it is actually written toward producing secular, non-religious ethics and so can be applied regardless of your personal religious beliefs.

Wikipedia defines ethics as “a major branch of philosophy, encompassing right conduct and good life” and morality as “a code of conduct held to be authoritative in matters of right and wrong”. Although they are nearly synonymous, in practice ethics is used as a non-secular term, whereas morality often implies religion. According to Alan Watts, the 60’s guru who introduced Eastern philosophies to the West, Buddhism and Eastern religions bypass this distinction because in a way they are neither philosophies — as philosophies detach themselves entirely from the individual and are thus purely exercises in intellect, nor religions — as religions prescribe a “bond or rule of life” that must be followed. He explains: “Neither Hinduism, Buddhism, or Taoism can possibly be called religions in this sense, because all of them significantly lack the virtue of obedience.”

Although Buddhism does lack a godhead, it does in all of its forms provide a view toward ethical and moral behavior, as well as a means, through trial and error, to achieve that goal. Ultimately, I find the teachings of Buddhism, while sometimes intellectual, to be a great fit toward applying a personal goal of morality and plain ol’ goodness toward the practice of daily living.

To your health!

Mama Hope

Here’s little Baby Del at four months. He’s so excellent now at communication, but just can’t seem to decide what he wants!

A fellow parent recently pointed out a very real issue that most parents must learn how to cope with: stranger anxiety. Fear of strangers is a very real aspect of “growing up” for babies and children, but coping with stranger anxiety means learning to avoid hurt feelings while also respecting a child’s needs. When a relative, especially a grandparent, comes to visit hoping to find open arms, it can be difficult for them to understand that at a certain age almost all babies begin to fear strangers, related or not. How can you help your family members to cooperate with this very real fear?

photo credit: DCvision2006

Coincidentally, I stumbled upon this same topic last week while reading Burton White’s Raising a Happy, Unspoiled Child. Dr. White is author of the now classic parenting book, The First Three Years of Life. Despite the title, this is not a “cry-it-out” book, and is instead a classic written before the Sears’ methodology brought new meaning to the term “spoiling.” White is actually famous for being one of the first doctors to advocate for the stay-at-home-mom over day care solutions whenever possible. The issue of stranger anxiety is addressed as the first topic of his chapter dealing with five and one-half to seven and one-half months.

Is Stranger Anxiety Normal?

According to the Burton White and his studies through the Harvard Preschool Project and the New Parents as Teachers Program, about 29 out of 30 babies develop stranger anxiety.

Stranger anxiety is defined as fear of any person who is not a member of a baby or child’s routine daily life. Even if a close relative has met a baby once or twice before, if that person is not seen regularly by a baby on a day-to-day basis, most babies will still present with stranger anxiety if approached too quickly.

Fear of strangers can present in different ways for different babies. Some may actively cry when approached, some may simply shy away and cling to their regular caregiver. Burton White explains:

Instead of a quick, full smile, now her response is more likely to be a sober stare. If you are holding her in your arms, she may turn and bury her head in your upper body when someone unfamiliar approaches. That wariness may persist for five, ten, or more minutes. She may then warm up and begin to behave in a friendly way toward the stranger. An unfamiliar person who approaches rapidly, makes loud noises, and tries to pick her up may very well trigger an intense fear reaction. It makes no difference, by the way, if such a person is a grandparent.

…From an evolutionary standpoint, the emergence of fear of strangers makes sense. It indicates that the baby has identified the people he can count on for security; from this point onward, other people are to be regarded with suspicion. (Burton White, Raising a Happy, Unspoiled Child)

When Does Stranger Anxiety Emerge?

Although some sources online describe the emergence of stranger anxiety at three to six months, White’s observations of hundreds of families places the typical emergence of stranger anxiety at about seven months, or for some babies as early as five months or as late as nine or ten months. Stranger anxiety will remain intense for about two months, and may linger in a milder form until your baby reaches two years of age.

This observation falls much closer to my experiences with Little Del. At three months he was happy as a clam no matter who his little eyes gazed upon. Cafe’s were a particular source of amusement as he’d stare and smile at everyone he saw. Only now, at six months, is he beginning to exhibit shyness, taking a moment to bury his face in my chest before offering a quiet smile in the direction of someone new. In my experience, too, stranger anxiety is not something that shows up instantly one day, but a gradual process that can be intensified depending upon the behavior of the stranger in question!

The Sears family recommends using the period prior to six months to develop relationships for your baby outside mommy and daddy. This provides a bit of “insurance” that you’ll still have alternate caregivers available even after stranger anxiety sets in:

Start establishing a few friends or family members as potential babysitters. Have them come over frequently to play with you and the baby. If baby sees you interact in a very friendly and loving manner with this other potential caregiver, then she may feel more comfortable when left alone with them. (AskDrSears.com)

Tips for Coping With and Reducing Stranger Anxiety

It’s clear that the most important factor in coping with stranger anxiety is the behavior of the person who approaches your baby. Whether this person is a stranger to you or a grandparent or close relative, if they move too quickly they will almost certainly encounter a tantrum during this sensitive period.

Therefore, the following steps can be taken to help introduce new people to baby:

1. Meet new people in your own home. Babies experience more intense stranger anxiety out of the home.
2. If possible, inform your friend or relative in advance that your child experiences stranger anxiety. Explain to them the developmental basis for their fears and let them know that it’s nothing personal.
3. Before you meet, instruct your friend or relative on the best way to approach your child. They should avoid approaching too quickly, and wait to address the baby until spending several minutes in the same room. Explain to them that you will “help” your baby get accustomed to them and you will hand them the baby when he or she is ready.
4. If your baby’s stranger anxiety is intense, try beginning your meeting with baby in a sling or held close in your arms in a familiar position.
5. Greet your friend or relative with outward affection, a hug, kiss, or a handshake. Smile and make eye contact and casual conversation before attempting to “introduce” your baby.
6. Take cues from your baby as to when he or she ready to be more outgoing. Many babies will open up themselves once they have some time to adjust, and see that this “stranger” is not considered a threat by you. By avoiding any rushing, chances are you’ll come to an introduction much faster and more naturally, at baby’s pace.
7. If your friend or relative, despite your warnings, initiates play by reaching out physically or making funny faces or noises directed at baby, remember that they’re doing what comes naturally too, and try to remain calm. Watch how your baby reacts: you’ll know if their over-anxious attempts are winning or losing! If your baby starts to cry, just keep mentioning “that pesky shyness” and remind them to ignore the baby for a bit until your baby becomes more accustomed to them.
8. When (and if) your baby does eventually smile and initiate play with your friend, just play along with the fun for a bit as you would normally. Talk about what’s happening in the same calm voice you speak to your baby with. Wait until your baby is comfortable with full eye contact and smiles or laughter before “handing them over.” First, remind your guest once more that your baby is shy and may cry, then ask them politely if they’d like to “give it a try anyway”.

Of course, some older, wiser relatives may be affronted by your “mommy knows best” attitude. Doesn’t it seem like there’s always somebody who thinks your parenting style is a bunch of baloney though? You really can’t win in this department no matter how you parent, because there’s always somebody around who did it differently! In that case, you’ll probably just have to make a call and either remind your anxious veteran parent that you know your child, or go along with what they say and let them learn the lesson the hard way! Chances are your baby won’t be harmed by a brief bout of crying with a stubborn but well-meaning stranger.

Always follow your best judgement though, and believe in yourself and your baby. Know that I believe in you too!

Love,

Mama Hope

Ceci n’est pas une giveaway or affiliate offer. This is just lil’ ol’ me letting you know about a good deal in the making. I just ordered my very own free UV protective swimshirt from mom-owned UVSkinz and I thought I’d let y’all know about it. This is a June promotion, and all you have to do is order anything else from their catalog of UV protective hats, sunglasses, swim shirts, and swim shorts for babies & kids.

I ordered mine a few days ago and just haven’t had a moment to post, what with our first out of town overnight trip with baby happening tomorrow! UVSkinz products offer 50+ UPF protection, with long sleeves available to minimize the need to apply chemical sunscreens to your most favorite lil’ ones!

I would love to post one of my quote-laden, well-researched posts about chemicals in sunscreens right now, but at the moment I am knee-deep in suitcases and needing to get some sleep for what promises to be an adventure-filled ride in the car with our old pro of a traveler (12-year old tween takes in all in stride), and our blooming traveler (6-month old will probably decide 45 minutes in that he wants out of the seatbelts and he hates us forever!). So rather than wax informic I’ll simply say that upon closer examination, inspired by the welcome concerns of fellow AP-mom Shelley, I’ve decided that UV shirts are far superior to sunscreen. I lucked out finding this deal at UVSkinz and it’s going to be my modus operandi for the summer.

If you’re now curious and want to get a look at some evidence, here are the two links that convinced me to give up the sunscreen and opt for limited exposure + UV clothing:

Why We Don’t Sell Sunscreen by Terressentials

Nanoparticles and Sunscreen by EcoChick

Rhonda Sparks, owner of UVSkinz, lost her husband, father of three, to skin cancer. She has made it her mission to promote awareness of the disease and means of prevention. It felt good to buy from a mom, and even more so from a mom dedicated to a good cause. So if you are in need of a UV protective swim shirt for yourself or your kids, take advantage of her offer and get one swimshirt free with any other purchase! Offer valid June 2008 says the website!