The Happy Marriage: Two Secrets for Sharing Responsibilities Equitably
My husband is the sha-zam! He is abso-fantasmically-fabuloso! We work well together and are rarely (and only momentarily!) frustrated or disappointed with each other’s actions and contributions. If I were to be asked the most important factor contributing to our 99%-absolutely-totally-satisfied* happy marriage, it would be this: cooperation.
Like many married** couples these days, my husband and I choose to share household responsibilities “equitably.” I surround that in quotes because it’s not something that we really concern ourselves with actively, or “measure” to be sure that it’s all Even Steven. It’s just a goal that we, like many happy couples, unconsciously strive for out of love and care.
It’s that kind of unconscious attitude toward responsibilities that brings me to presenting our two secrets for a happy marriage. It’s not rocket science, and heck they probably aren’t really all that secret, but they work for us! My third secret I’m afraid will be of no use to you: marry the most fantastically wonderful, generous, loving, nurturing, talented, and caring man in the world! But he’s already taken and he’s mine, mine, mine! Hands off, girls!
Secrets for a Successful Division of Household Labor
Marriage Secret #1: Give and Ye Shall Receive
What’s stunningly splendiferous about my husband is that he’s not afraid to contribute. He gives generously, which of course leads me to give in return. While knowing how to ask for what you want is an important skill and definitely useful for a marriage (for tips on that, see the book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life), in my opinion it actually ranks far, far below knowing what those around you need, and simply giving it before they even consider asking. Unless you’ve hooked up with someone evil (please don’t marry someone evil, it’s bad for your health), it is human nature to appreciate how well you are treated and work to return the favor.
There’s a trick to this though: you can’t focus on how much you’re giving and wait in expectation for your return. Thinking in that way is what we call “wrong views.” It pollutes your mind, trips you up, and prevents you from being your most productive shining self. Believe me, I’ve been there, it goes nowhere! As soon as you start imagining how much you’re doing and begin counting the moments that have gone by before the favor has been returned, your vision becomes blurred. I truly believe that you don’t actually see what is before you.
An example: when I am moody I begin to feel sorry for myself for having to nurse through the night. Never mind that we co-sleep which actually makes it quite easy. As soon as my mind goes down that path I start to compare. I remember that since we had the baby there was only one time that my husband was woken up in the middle of the night. He has slept like a little lamb all those other nights, including those first weeks. (Thank you, breastfeeding and co-sleeping!)
“Right thinking” would be to recognize that this is something that I can and do give my husband. And it would recognize that doing so gives him the sleep he needs to get up a half hour before me every day to prepare my older son’s school lunch! But “wrong thinking” will simply be blind to his efforts every morning preparing that lunch! It will focus instead on this one thing that I think I want from him as payback. “When are you going to help me at night?” a voice inside my head might say. “You know, sometimes I really just want to get a good nights sleep, why won’t you give me that?”
Now I’m not saying that you can’t express your needs when you have them. But you must keep in mind where your thoughts originate. In this case, my thoughts originated in the desire to be “paid back,” a sense that giving needed to be “equal” and “fair.” This type of thinking, in my experience, goes nowhere but down. In addition to blinding me to what is really going on it also violates the Second Secret to a happy marriage. Which is:
Marriage Secret #2: Show Off Your Best Features
In a way this secret is a side effect of the first, but it’s truly worth noting and living by. People are their best when they’re working in a way that makes them feel comfortable and lets them show off the best and most natural aspects of themselves. This is especially important to keep in mind now as we release some of our tendencies toward gender bias in family roles.
In the above example, it’s relevant in that I have the “tools” to nurse at night without getting out of bed or really even moving all that much except to roll over. My husband not only lacks those two handy-dandy built-in “tools,” but also needs more sleep than I as a simple part of his own physiological tendencies. There are many examples of this in our lives:
- Guess who loves to cook in my family? Hubbie. Guess who cooks? Hubbie. Guess who hates folding in our family? Hubbie. Guess who does laundry? Me!
- Guess who loves obsessing over data and record-keeping in our family? Me! Guess who pays the bills? Me! Guess who is the most impulsive in spending? Me again! Guess who has to be consulted for approval before any purchases? Not me! It’s the hubbie!
- Guess who loves obsessing over data and health issues in our family? Me! Guess who does the meal planning! Me! Threw you for a loop with that one didn’t I! I plan most of the meals, but I don’t cook ‘em!
These are just a few examples that show that division of labor can be truly a creative and natural thing that need not have anything to do with how anybody ever did it before. As I mentioned, this kind of creativity can actually be just a simple organic side effect of our Secret #1. It’s a natural thing: If you “offer to contribute” before you are asked, there’s a built in bonus: you get to do what you want to do, what you’re good at, and what you enjoy. Once you have some habits worked in, it’s simply a matter of filling in the blanks a bit.
Wait, if you don’t fight about who does what, what’s there to fight about?
Ah, of course, I knew you would ask! Of course nothing is perfect, and I wouldn’t be honest or very compassionate to my readers if I tried to make out like my husband and I don’t fight. We quibble about how he “always” misses the turn when we’re driving, or how I “never” look when he points out interesting sights. He reminds me that his least favorite phrase is, “Why are you…?” and I remind him that it kinda hurts my feelings when he falls asleep in the middle of one of my sentences!
But another funny thing happens when you follow these two small gems of advice: You actually start arguing about helping each other! I can’t tell you how many times we’ve had mini-spats about where we were going to go out to eat or who should get the last piece of meat or desert. But our spats happen in the the opposite direction. It sounds something like this:
“Do you want to just share a sandwich since we already ate earlier?”
“Sure.”
“What would you like?”
“No, what would you like?”
“C’mon, cut it out.”
“Cut what out? Why can’t I ask what you like? You always ask what I like and then we get that and then I feel bad. I want to get what you want.”
“But I don’t like to make decisions.”
“But you must know what you like.”
“Maybe I don’t know right now.”
“Well I’m not ordering.”
“Why don’t you just tell me what you want!”
“Nope, sorry Charlie. It’s your turn! I know there’s something you’re not telling me and I’m not saying anything! We can just sit here all day until we order what you want.”
It’s like a comedy of errors, but it’s true. My husband is the most frustrating, lovable, ridiculous, giving, excellent husband that I am married to right now!
Happy Father’s Day, husband! Thank you for being such an excellent model of responsibility and loving-kindness to our two sons! May their lives be always as blessed as ours, with you as their example!
Love, cooperation, generosity, and ongoing growth to one and all,
* Nothing’s 100%!
** A note for same-sex couples. Although I use the word “marriage” in this post, I in no way mean to exclude same-sex partnerships and same-sex parenting. In my mind a life long commitment is a life long commitment, and a commitment as parents is a commitment as parents. “Marriage” is the most common term. If the light of equality and humanity shines through one day, all life long commitments may bear the vocabulary word “marriage,” and this little note will be unnecessary.
Good points. Sage and I tend to work about the same way - and cool! Another cooking dad! Still in this day and age I am shocked by the number of people I meet who just assume that Sage makes my lunches and cooks dinner every night. Um, no. I like to do it, she hates to do it so it works out that way.
Of course sometimes, when it comes to housecleaning, we just both neglect it. That was, until we discovered gambling ;-). We are both addicted to gin rummy. So we’ve taken to playing gin for chores. Before dealing, we decide what we’re playing for - a 5-15 min task usually such as “Sweep and mop the bathroom”. Loser does the chore. It is scary the transformation our apartment went through after that discovery.
Thank you, Todd, and thanks for sharing your awesome gin rummy idea. Hysterical. I have to admit we can be big fans of housekeeping neglect in favor of “stochastic order” sometimes, too… And I think there are more cooking dads out there than any of us realize! And gastronomically happy wives, as it were! Happy Father’s Day!
It is important to split the work. My husband and I try to separate our duties as much as possible, but sometimes one of us will get lazy, and that can often lead to arguments. We were told to read this book called Harmonic Wealth
(harmonicwealth.com/read), which helped our marriage out a lot. He reminded me that my most important relationship in the world is with MYSELF and that if I didn’t take care of that, I wouldn’t find success in other relationships.
Interesting thought, JR. I’ve found that my “most important relationships” have varied throughout my life. Some would say their most important relationship is with God. For others, their relationship with the divine is expressed through compassion and caring for those they encounter in their lives. And then there are times in our lives, true, when we must take care of ourselves first, or risk our ability to care for others.
I’m fortunate that, at least during this period of my life, *I’m* the one who is worried about *me* being lazy. I definitely like being motivated by my own drive to “do a better job” than I am by someone else’s plans for my time!