How To Deal with Stranger Anxiety (and Over-Anxious Relatives!)

A fellow parent recently pointed out a very real issue that most parents must learn how to cope with: stranger anxiety. Fear of strangers is a very real aspect of “growing up” for babies and children, but coping with stranger anxiety means learning to avoid hurt feelings while also respecting a child’s needs. When a relative, especially a grandparent, comes to visit hoping to find open arms, it can be difficult for them to understand that at a certain age almost all babies begin to fear strangers, related or not. How can you help your family members to cooperate with this very real fear?

photo credit: DCvision2006

Coincidentally, I stumbled upon this same topic last week while reading Burton White’s Raising a Happy, Unspoiled Child. Dr. White is author of the now classic parenting book, The First Three Years of Life. Despite the title, this is not a “cry-it-out” book, and is instead a classic written before the Sears’ methodology brought new meaning to the term “spoiling.” White is actually famous for being one of the first doctors to advocate for the stay-at-home-mom over day care solutions whenever possible. The issue of stranger anxiety is addressed as the first topic of his chapter dealing with five and one-half to seven and one-half months.

Is Stranger Anxiety Normal?

According to the Burton White and his studies through the Harvard Preschool Project and the New Parents as Teachers Program, about 29 out of 30 babies develop stranger anxiety.

Stranger anxiety is defined as fear of any person who is not a member of a baby or child’s routine daily life. Even if a close relative has met a baby once or twice before, if that person is not seen regularly by a baby on a day-to-day basis, most babies will still present with stranger anxiety if approached too quickly.

Fear of strangers can present in different ways for different babies. Some may actively cry when approached, some may simply shy away and cling to their regular caregiver. Burton White explains:

Instead of a quick, full smile, now her response is more likely to be a sober stare. If you are holding her in your arms, she may turn and bury her head in your upper body when someone unfamiliar approaches. That wariness may persist for five, ten, or more minutes. She may then warm up and begin to behave in a friendly way toward the stranger. An unfamiliar person who approaches rapidly, makes loud noises, and tries to pick her up may very well trigger an intense fear reaction. It makes no difference, by the way, if such a person is a grandparent.

…From an evolutionary standpoint, the emergence of fear of strangers makes sense. It indicates that the baby has identified the people he can count on for security; from this point onward, other people are to be regarded with suspicion. (Burton White, Raising a Happy, Unspoiled Child)

When Does Stranger Anxiety Emerge?

Although some sources online describe the emergence of stranger anxiety at three to six months, White’s observations of hundreds of families places the typical emergence of stranger anxiety at about seven months, or for some babies as early as five months or as late as nine or ten months. Stranger anxiety will remain intense for about two months, and may linger in a milder form until your baby reaches two years of age.

This observation falls much closer to my experiences with Little Del. At three months he was happy as a clam no matter who his little eyes gazed upon. Cafe’s were a particular source of amusement as he’d stare and smile at everyone he saw. Only now, at six months, is he beginning to exhibit shyness, taking a moment to bury his face in my chest before offering a quiet smile in the direction of someone new. In my experience, too, stranger anxiety is not something that shows up instantly one day, but a gradual process that can be intensified depending upon the behavior of the stranger in question!

The Sears family recommends using the period prior to six months to develop relationships for your baby outside mommy and daddy. This provides a bit of “insurance” that you’ll still have alternate caregivers available even after stranger anxiety sets in:

Start establishing a few friends or family members as potential babysitters. Have them come over frequently to play with you and the baby. If baby sees you interact in a very friendly and loving manner with this other potential caregiver, then she may feel more comfortable when left alone with them. (AskDrSears.com)

Tips for Coping With and Reducing Stranger Anxiety

It’s clear that the most important factor in coping with stranger anxiety is the behavior of the person who approaches your baby. Whether this person is a stranger to you or a grandparent or close relative, if they move too quickly they will almost certainly encounter a tantrum during this sensitive period.

Therefore, the following steps can be taken to help introduce new people to baby:

1. Meet new people in your own home. Babies experience more intense stranger anxiety out of the home.
2. If possible, inform your friend or relative in advance that your child experiences stranger anxiety. Explain to them the developmental basis for their fears and let them know that it’s nothing personal.
3. Before you meet, instruct your friend or relative on the best way to approach your child. They should avoid approaching too quickly, and wait to address the baby until spending several minutes in the same room. Explain to them that you will “help” your baby get accustomed to them and you will hand them the baby when he or she is ready.
4. If your baby’s stranger anxiety is intense, try beginning your meeting with baby in a sling or held close in your arms in a familiar position.
5. Greet your friend or relative with outward affection, a hug, kiss, or a handshake. Smile and make eye contact and casual conversation before attempting to “introduce” your baby.
6. Take cues from your baby as to when he or she ready to be more outgoing. Many babies will open up themselves once they have some time to adjust, and see that this “stranger” is not considered a threat by you. By avoiding any rushing, chances are you’ll come to an introduction much faster and more naturally, at baby’s pace.
7. If your friend or relative, despite your warnings, initiates play by reaching out physically or making funny faces or noises directed at baby, remember that they’re doing what comes naturally too, and try to remain calm. Watch how your baby reacts: you’ll know if their over-anxious attempts are winning or losing! If your baby starts to cry, just keep mentioning “that pesky shyness” and remind them to ignore the baby for a bit until your baby becomes more accustomed to them.
8. When (and if) your baby does eventually smile and initiate play with your friend, just play along with the fun for a bit as you would normally. Talk about what’s happening in the same calm voice you speak to your baby with. Wait until your baby is comfortable with full eye contact and smiles or laughter before “handing them over.” First, remind your guest once more that your baby is shy and may cry, then ask them politely if they’d like to “give it a try anyway”.

Of course, some older, wiser relatives may be affronted by your “mommy knows best” attitude. Doesn’t it seem like there’s always somebody who thinks your parenting style is a bunch of baloney though? You really can’t win in this department no matter how you parent, because there’s always somebody around who did it differently! In that case, you’ll probably just have to make a call and either remind your anxious veteran parent that you know your child, or go along with what they say and let them learn the lesson the hard way! Chances are your baby won’t be harmed by a brief bout of crying with a stubborn but well-meaning stranger.

Always follow your best judgement though, and believe in yourself and your baby. Know that I believe in you too!

Love,

Mama Hope