Fighting The Blues — A Challenge

You know how sometimes you just need a big ‘ol break from something to really sort out what’s important? And you know how sometimes your goals, aspirations and dreams can get too big for their britches and turn into dreaded clouds hanging over your head, demanding attention, demanding more, more, more, never sated?

photo credit: smaedli

That’s where I found myself recently, and for better or worse I know myself well enough to realize when it’s time to get out the big red octagon and slam on the brakes. For the last two months I’ve struggled with depression with its accompanying self doubt, sensitivity and general ho-hum lack of energy or chutzpah.

Read my more personal posts and you’ll think I have a lot of self doubt in general — come visit when I’m depressed and you’ll really be in for it. But all clouds have a silver lining, and I’m beginning to think I’m named Hope not because I exemplify it but because I could really use a reminder from time to time!

Today’s silver lining comes with this realization:

The closer we get to rock bottom the more easily the important stuff floats to the top.

The fact that I took a break from the blog to address my depression head on meant that I had plenty of time to ask myself, “Why am I depressed?” Not from a “What is wrong?” perspective, but from the standpoint of “What is missing?”

Your Top Three Needs

What vital elements are so missing from my daily experience that I have failed to nurture my ego and keep myself sprightly? I’m so much more fun when I’m complete, what pieces are missing from the pie?

To those of you out there who suffer your own battles with depression or simple moody blues from time to time, I offer up a similar challenge: Know thyself. Think about what fuels you and keeps you whole. And write it down. A nice short list of the top three things you need in your life to stay well fueled.

As I’ve passed through these last weeks, I’ve begun to suspect that the only way I can keep myself plugging and chugging in this world is if I remember to check the fuel gauge on these vital elements and keep ‘em coming.

The things that nurture us, the things that we truly need, are different for everyone. Here are mine:

1. Sunshine — Sure, simple you say. But as I’ve learned sunshine is just harder to come by when you live in stereotypical suburban America; much harder than it is in the city. What? Surprisingly true. That trip to the car just doesn’t cut it in the Vitamin D department. I miss the walks to the grocery, the coffee shop, the park, the laundry, the subway. I miss the miles and miles of outdoor time city folk put in daily. So now my hubbie drags me out for walks whenever it’s warm enough, and we’re looking for a living situation with some seriously big windows and only a few blocks between us and some handy dandy food sources (grocery, restaurant, cafe = vital neighborhood resources). In the meantime, I got one big ‘ol Seasonal Affective Disorder light box (aff) blaring me right in the eyes as I type. Shout Hallelujah, C’mon Get Happy!
2. People – There are people who are shy and people who are outgoing, but when I say I’m an extrovert I’m not talking about how I act. I’m talking about what fuels me. I need people energy. I eat it for breakfast. And when you live in a city, it hovers in the air you breathe. You don’t even have to try, there’s people everywhere. Not so for me these days as a SAHM in a little house tucked in a quiet subdivision. So now I’m going out to visit with mama’s as a full-fledged part of my health regimen — plus you know, they’re nice, smart people and good to talk to! Also on the to do list are attending the monthly vegan potluck, somehow figuring out my Sundays so I can make it more often to the Unitarian Universalist service, and just buckling down and getting a part-time job. (See also below…) My kids are super-important to me, and I won’t give up my most important job as a nurturer and educator, but they need a mama with some spunk. I gotta get some verve back into my step or my sense of humor and fun-loving nature are gonna wither and die!
3. Purpose — I recently picked up a fab book in my search to understand my precocious and perplexing 12-year old son. I ended up learning a little bit about myself. The book is titled Strong-willed Child Or Dreamer? (aff). As I reviewed the descriptions to see if they fit my son, it became all too clear that they fit me to a “T”: idealistic, moody, stubborn, perfectionist… Yep! A strong emphasis of the book is the fact that “dreamers” or creative-sensitive types have a strong urge for meaningful involvement in idealistic pursuits, forming a life of meaning for themselves. Yet if this is true, why can’t I simply remind myself that my choice of fully present parenting meets that aspiration wholly and truly all by itself? In reading about how to nurture my son and allow him both his strengths and his shortcomings, I’ve been reminded to do the same for myself. As much as it pains me, I’m beginning to realize that I need to embrace my need for positive feedback from others, rather than shun it as immature and superficial.

There Are Much Worse Things

Yes, I’ve discovered that I need to both give and receive. And to quote a certain favorite comedian (aff) of mine, “There are much worse things to believe in.” One can’t expect one’s children to say thank you on a daily basis; giving to our kids is something we do regardless of the outcome or the appreciation. But I do need to feel appreciated. I do need to feel that I’m contributing to something that I believe in, and to know that my contributions are acknowledged and cherished. So I’ve realized that I need to broaden my involvement in the world beyond my kids and my blog, to something that involves warm bodies and good fuzzy feelings and some fairly regular positive feedback.

There are much worse things, right? But this last need of mine is the area that perplexes me the most. Knowing that I need more purpose in my life, coupled with some healthy self respect and encouragement, doesn’t point me in any particular direction, especially since I’ve already done so many things with my life, none of them holding enough sticking power to allow me to say, “Yes! This is it!”

So, barring any yet-to-be-unveiled Eureka moments, sly light bulbs ready to pop over my head, my most immediate plan is to try to meld my existing plan into something that looks more promising. I plan in the short term to take my internet marketing certification out into the world and try to find some part time work that will boost my ego and my experience. Then somewhere down the road I’ll try to turn around and offer my services to those businesses that I feel deserve some low-cost assistance: non-profits and WAHM businesses, all the while keeping it humble in the time and money departments (can’t work full time — got a job already as a mama!).

Of course, my more romantic idea is start up a local “free school” for kids, or just go back to school in family and child counseling. But can I do either of those things while being a mama first? Can I do either of those things while retaining my emphasis on simple, stress-free living? Probably not.

But who knows? I may change my mind while chatting it up with my new therapist who promises to give me some neat homework to do as I “find myself”. (I love homework!) The most important thing is that I keep that proverbial fuel tank away from the empty mark, giving myself the Sunshine, People and Purpose I need to stay energized, while also minding I don’t get overloaded. Ah the lessons of life!

So what are your most important needs? Do you have a top three? If you decide to write yours down or blog about them please do take a moment to write me a comment here and tell me about it. Then you’ll be helping me with my needs too!

We all have our needs and no matter how idealistic we are, we must embrace them and embrace ourselves. Hopefully this little post will be just what I need to keep me thinking about what’s important as I march forward.

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