Teaching Children Values with the Dalai Lama

Today we had a great experience out on the deck under the pergola. Our whole family sat outside and shared our study of How to Practice by the Dalai Lama, which turned out to be an excellent experience in teaching values to my 12-year old son.

As I posted awhile back, we recently took up the practice of teaching spirituality by doing “church at home” every other Sunday. (On other Sundays we visit our local Unitarian Universalist Church.) It’s been going quite well, although I have to admit with the heaviness of our subject matter it does require a bit of time every week for review. But what is excellent about the experience is that we are each very engaged in responding to the text, sorting out its meaning, sharing insights, and exploring our personal experiences. I study Buddhism, so our lessons come from that perspective (which I wrote about, in case you’re curious, in my post on Buddism and morality). But of course this kind of discourse can be practiced in any religious or secular context. The main point for us is talking about issues of conscientious behavior, in a dedicated learning and discussing time as a family.

Teaching Through Open Discussion

Today, as I reviewed the text before we began, I realized that I finally “got” the Dalai Lama’s description of the three ways to practice, and why they needed to be followed in a particular order. So I started off by giving my “small words” paraphrase of that section. Later on, when we unanimously agreed that we didn’t fully comprehend the logic behind one of the anecdotes offered, my husband said “Oh I think I get it,” and proceeded to explain his understanding of the concept of karma.

So it’s all very engaging and lasts for about 30 mintues to an hour. Because we try to keep it very interactive, my 12-year old son takes it all in pretty well, though I do try to be understanding and watchful for moments when he either trails off or just decides he’s run out of steam.

When we reached that time today, I asked him to tell me one point he felt he could take away and work on for the week. He was motivated by the following quote:

In difficult personal circumstances the best recourse is to try to remain as honest and sincere as possible. Otherwise, by responding harshly or selfishly, you simply make matters worse. This is especially apparent in painful family situations. You should realize that difficult present circumstances are entirely due to your own past undisciplined actions, so when you experience a difficult period, do your best to avoid behavior that will add to your burden later on. (H.H. the Dalai Lama, translated by Jeffrey Hopkins, PhD, How to Practice: The Way to a Meaningful Life)

Applying Lessons in Values to Our Daily Lives

Of course this quote had us all thinking about what we could be doing to contribute to family situations, as well as examples of people we’ve met whose life courses seemed to be altered more by decisions they made in the past than by their particular talents or potential. Although we generally have a happy marriage, I almost immediately turned to Ben and said, “OK, what am I doing wrong?”

I also took this moment to point out to Stae, my son, that I was going to remember this quote for those times when I have disagreements with Ben, and that he could do the same thing if he found himself suddenly being “lectured to,” his least favorite pastime. I promised him that I would try to do the same (and stop myself from lecturing too long, one of my weaknesses). We all have our dirty laundry, even the Dalai Lama!

by CharlesFred

It was heartening at the end of our conversation, just when I saw his attention waning, to hear my son offer up his inspiration coming back to this point, especially when I know it’s a bit hard for him to admit fault (a challenge for all of us!).

“Is there anything you’re thinking of that you learned today that stands out, that you can work on this week?” I asked.

“Um, yeah. Not responding to you, I guess. You don’t like it when you say something to me and I don’t respond. So I shouldn’t do that.”

It was great to be able to have a conversation that was not in the context of punishment, something that didn’t happen immediately after he did something wrong. My hope is that these regular discussions will both serve as a positive example of adults taking their moral and ethical values seriously, and allow my son to practice thinking about values in the context of his life. These are lessons we all need to learn! There’s also the thought, of course, that perhaps he’s just saying what I want to hear. But, hey, as someone once said, it never hurts to “Fake it till you make it!”

Although Stae is 12-years old and capable of a more mature conversation than he was 5-years ago, I strongly feel that setting aside time dedicated to teaching values, and learning them yourself, can be adapted to any age. If you’re interested in using text by the Dalai Lama for your own “church at home” but you’re not sure whether Buddhism is your thing, I highly recommend Ethics for the New Millennium, a secular text which covers ethics and morality outside of the context of any religion. I think it’s going to be our next read. So glad to have finally taken up this practice!

What about you? Have you found any good outlets for teaching values to your children? I’d love to hear about them!

Thanks!

Mama Hope